SentimentS

I remember my kindergarten graduation when I said, “When I grow up I want to be a doctor.”

Back then I did not know how impossible that dream would be.

Fourth year high school was a decision-making stage for college. I was a step closer to having a job, or so I hoped. My friends decided to take the UPCAT, it was the first college entrance exam that I took. I wanted to pass it not because I knew much about being a UPian rather because that exam was worth four hundred fifty pesos, a two-day stay in a hotel and my fare to Davao where the testing center was in the Philippine Science High School. It was even too difficult.

I first chose a campus that would not give much burden to my parents both emotionally( for I know they would miss me) and financially( for the farther the distance, the more costly it is).I wanted to be practical. Though later many people deem practicality with this “Unta sa State College na lang ka miskwela dili pa gasto.“

After choosing a campus my options crashed down into seven courses available. My first choice was BS Computer Science-it was said to be a good choice for the many job opportunities in store for its graduates. Somehow I knew my weakness: I would surely fail it. BA English(Creative Writing) came next- without pretense it was my personal choice. Nothing corrupted that choice.

“Ngano nagBAE ka?“- a frequent question.

I chose BAE because I know I like English better than all the subjects, even though I wasn’t in good terms with my former English teachers in High School.

I don’t like people who discourage me. I don’t like those who look down on me being a “mere” English student. I don’t like them for pointing out their many advantages over us.

They don’t know of the uncertainties that we face. they don’t know how we are subjected to most criticism. They don’t know how long it takes to write something worthy to be even read. That’s just it. They just don’t KNOW.

I did not expect that writing scholar sponsor’s cards, Tagalog stories, even the mere luck of winning writing contests took me this far- to study under the BAE program. For almost two years now, I still doubt if I would be successful in this venture.

It isn’t easy being here. Anyway, I am a try-hard-do-it-again-next-time girl. I’ll cope with the overwhelming challenges to show THOSE people WHAT it takes when one’s heart aspires for something it wants.

“explaning things in a flash”

It was in December that I overheard a crime that would later be the basis of my flashfiction project entitled ”Stopped Delight.” It was a story, though not given much terrifying effect, based on a real crime. I had written an omniscient narrator who goes into the mind of the suspect.

My aunt and me were on a taxi bound for Don Julian Elementary School, where my aunt teaches. The driver and my aunt conversed about the threatening dangers that taxis pose(including suspicious drivers) until such that they came to a recent crime that happened in Ecoland.

The suspect was a taxi driver who had killed his neighbor. According to the findings, the victim came home bringing groceries from NCCC mall, he was surprised to see that someone(no not someone! for the dog was said not to have barked at the suspect when he was in) was inside their house. The victim was a father who has children studying in davao and was a blackbelter in taekwondo. there was a fight,unfortunately the maids from the other houses did not take heed when they heard “ANIMAL KA!.” The findings  said that a defense weapon of most taxi drivers called “the screw” created the 16 stabs found on the body of the victim.

“ingon gud nila murag naa jud daw killer instinct ang suspect ba kay halos tanan stabs kay mag-aagas ang dugo kada moginhawa ang biktima,” my aunt said.

“sugapa na jud to siya sa droga ba kay ngano nabuhat man to niya. Bisan aq nakasulay na jud ko mapriso. Lisod kaayo kung naa ka sa kulungan ba. Sus na lamang,” said the driver.

I sat at the back. My mind slowly difted to the time of the incident.

The man in death’s agony lasted for a few more minutes.

Near the intersection, he halted when the streetlight signaled stop. It shone bright red as that which flowed from his neighbor’s neck. He stared at it still. It shone red-as red as his eyes.

That line told how drug addiction was a vice he cannot escape from but my classmates and even Ma’am Jhoanna did not really quite get it. It was the thrill but not the mysteries inside it that caught their attention. I was quite wondering why the story was written with an unexpected sympathy towards the suspect. It was troubling how in the midst of being in the scene during that very moment when I was seated at the back, I became the suspect in the act. My story came out with my insights on and about the incident.

I wrote it to know if the story could move emotions in people be it disgust, anger or considerations and most of all sympathy..

“Kaila  ko sa iyang asawa si Joyce. Kanang iyang bana baya no kay hilomon ra na na tawo,” my aunt said.

I am in the story the omniscient narrator who was with the anti hero all the while on that four-lane street when he sped up as the green light shone.